Sometimes I Feel Like a Man When:

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  • My good friend points out the very real fact that I’d rather not experience 98% of all emotions. “Happy” and “angry” are good enough for me!
  • I see hair growing on my big toes…so gross, so manly, and so gross.
  • A friend tries his hand at romancing me only to be met with dry wit and sarcasm (if you’re going to try flirting with me, come prepared with your own set of witty comebacks, boys, you’ll need them. And I’ll respect you for them.)
  • Dad (who is on his 3rd wife) comes to visit and upon seeing my sink overflowing with dirty dishes says, “You really are a bachelor…”
  • A guy starts telling me how he’s looking for “the one” and I immediately start looking for “the exit”
  • I find myself smelling the shirt I picked up from the floor to try to figure out if it’s clean or dirty (when in doubt, wash it out)

True “Special Skillz” I’d like to list on my resume

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  • Creating awkward situations
  • The Art of Procrastination
  • Impulsively making life-altering decisions
  • Proper use of sarcasm and snarky quips
  • Acting tougher than I am
  • Assembling massively unfinishable to-do lists. Daily.
  • Out of the box thinking. See example: Problem? White gum on ass of black pants. Solution? Pantsless Tuesdays!
  • Dancing like Tina Fey…only BETTER
  • Giving people nicknames so incredibly unoriginal that they are in fact original
  • Adding “bitches” or some variation to the ends of sentences…biotch

 

Well intentioned but Oh-So-Wrong things to say to your single friends…or: “Things friends say when they mistakenly think ‘Single’ equals ‘Sad and Desperate'”

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  • “There’s someone out there for everyone. Even you.”
  • “You didn’t do anything for your birthday? That’s so sad.”
  • “Oh you’ll change your mind about wanting kids when you meet Mr. Right.”
  • “If she can meet someone then there’s hope for you too.”
  • “I have this friend – he’s unemployed and lives with his parents – but he’s really nice.”
  • “You just need someone to take care of you.”
  • “Sometimes I wish I could just sit alone on my sofa watching Seinfeld reruns in my sweats – you know, like you do.”
  • “You need to get laid.”
  • “He may be a douche, but at least he’s honest about what he wants.”
  • “It’s Friday, I knew you’d be home so I thought I’d call.”

Thanks…because I had no idea how sad and lonely my life was until you just told me. But I guess that’s probably because I’m a helpless woman who needs a man to take care of me?