Some things I will NEVER do:

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  • Punch a baby – Sure, they’re selfish jerks, but it’s still child-abuse and even though everyone wants to do it at some point or another (remember that baby screaming in your ear throughout the entire flight from NYC to LA?) they’ll still judge you for ACTUALLY doing it.
  • Buy and/or Eat Twizzlers – this candy is probably the biggest waste of sugary goodness in the history of the world and I refuse to have any parts of it. It tastes like, looks like, and smells like rubber. There are better uses for sugar. And money. Like making money out of sugar – that’d be better than Twizzlers.
  • Get rid of my pink heels. They are the best purchase I’ve EVER made. They’re from Payless. They were on clearance. I think I paid $7 for them. I’ve worn the heels completely off and had them fixed for $11.15. I WILL be buried in them. Except, I’m going to be cremated…so…they will be my urn and sit lovingly on the mantle of some unsuspecting loved-one. FOREVER!
  • Start a booger collection – that’s just gross, who does that? No, don’t admit to doing it! Gosh, you’re weird…
  • Balance a live shark on my head. Because first of all, I’m terrified of sharks. Fascinated by them, but terrified all the same, and I wouldn’t want one that close to my head. Second of all, hello? Balance a LIVE shark on your head?? How are you even supposed to do that? The logistics just don’t work…
  • Amputate my own arm. Even if I were stuck and was going to starve to death or be¬† savagely eaten by a pack of wild shark/lion hybrids. Let’s be honest, I’d probably pass out from the thought long before I even began attempting the task.

True “Special Skillz” I’d like to list on my resume

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  • Creating awkward situations
  • The Art of Procrastination
  • Impulsively making life-altering decisions
  • Proper use of sarcasm and snarky quips
  • Acting tougher than I am
  • Assembling massively unfinishable to-do lists. Daily.
  • Out of the box thinking. See example: Problem? White gum on ass of black pants. Solution? Pantsless Tuesdays!
  • Dancing like Tina Fey…only BETTER
  • Giving people nicknames so incredibly unoriginal that they are in fact original
  • Adding “bitches” or some variation to the ends of sentences…biotch

 

Well intentioned but Oh-So-Wrong things to say to your single friends…or: “Things friends say when they mistakenly think ‘Single’ equals ‘Sad and Desperate'”

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  • “There’s someone out there for everyone. Even you.”
  • “You didn’t do anything for your birthday? That’s so sad.”
  • “Oh you’ll change your mind about wanting kids when you meet Mr. Right.”
  • “If she can meet someone then there’s hope for you too.”
  • “I have this friend – he’s unemployed and lives with his parents – but he’s really nice.”
  • “You just need someone to take care of you.”
  • “Sometimes I wish I could just sit alone on my sofa watching Seinfeld reruns in my sweats – you know, like you do.”
  • “You need to get laid.”
  • “He may be a douche, but at least he’s honest about what he wants.”
  • “It’s Friday, I knew you’d be home so I thought I’d call.”

Thanks…because I had no idea how sad and lonely my life was until you just told me. But I guess that’s probably because I’m a helpless woman who needs a man to take care of me?

I Probably Shouldn’t Quit My Job Today Because:

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  • Landlord likes getting paid…
  • So do I
  • I still don’t have a Suga-Daddy yet

On second thought, none of these reasons seem good enough. Now where’d I put that resignation letter?

I Should Quit My Job Today Because:

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  • Some adults act like children, and if I wanted to play referee with children I’d be a daycare teacher
  • Returning calls isn’t one of my strengths
  • Writing in purple ink is apparently frowned upon in corporate America…
  • As is sitting spinning in my swirly chair with my legs folded up underneath me
  • I always feel like I’m broke anyway
  • Hula hooping in the grass sounds like more fun than sitting in a fluorescently lit cube
  • Craving freedom and practicing conformity don’t mix – kinda like a big ol’ glass of milk followed by a big ol’ glass of vinegar, yum!
  • ¬†Working an 8 hour day for the man really limits my abilities to daydream and plan my dream life

What I Want to be When I Grow UP:

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  • Professional list-maker (almost there!)
  • Independently wealthy
  • Travel Blogger
  • Gypsy (prerequisite to travel blogging)
  • Book/movie/anything entertainment critic
  • Ellen’s personal Facebooker/Twitterer
  • British
  • Professional donut taster – yum!
  • International spy…Agent Steele at your service

Reasons to choose a child-free lifestyle:

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  • Pain – I don’t know if they told you, but growing and then giving birth to a person hurts. A lot.
  • Fear of needles, especially those going anywhere near your spinal cord
  • Love of sleep – cause if you have a baby don’t plan on getting any for the next 10 years at least
  • You already feel claustrophobic and find yourself daydreaming of freedoms, flexibility, and adventuring
  • You can’t even keep a plant alive
  • Kids cost mad money – and you’re already eating ramen
  • You’ve waited until the morning after you notice your pet’s food bowl was empty to go to the store for more
  • Because if you don’t become a parent, you can’t turn into your parents

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