Why I Shouldn’t Quit My Job Today (Revised):

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  • Landlord likes getting paid Moving into a friend’s spare room eliminates this
  • I like getting paid I’m more than willing to do some serious down-sizing
  • Still don’t have a sugardaddy Please see above
  • If I quit today I’ll have to pay them for the PTO I used prior to earning it…yep, this is the only reason I’m still here…

True “Special Skillz” I’d like to list on my resume

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  • Creating awkward situations
  • The Art of Procrastination
  • Impulsively making life-altering decisions
  • Proper use of sarcasm and snarky quips
  • Acting tougher than I am
  • Assembling massively unfinishable to-do lists. Daily.
  • Out of the box thinking. See example: Problem? White gum on ass of black pants. Solution? Pantsless Tuesdays!
  • Dancing like Tina Fey…only BETTER
  • Giving people nicknames so incredibly unoriginal that they are in fact original
  • Adding “bitches” or some variation to the ends of sentences…biotch