Well intentioned but Oh-So-Wrong things to say to your single friends…or: “Things friends say when they mistakenly think ‘Single’ equals ‘Sad and Desperate'”

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  • “There’s someone out there for everyone. Even you.”
  • “You didn’t do anything for your birthday? That’s so sad.”
  • “Oh you’ll change your mind about wanting kids when you meet Mr. Right.”
  • “If she can meet someone then there’s hope for you too.”
  • “I have this friend – he’s unemployed and lives with his parents – but he’s really nice.”
  • “You just need someone to take care of you.”
  • “Sometimes I wish I could just sit alone on my sofa watching Seinfeld reruns in my sweats – you know, like you do.”
  • “You need to get laid.”
  • “He may be a douche, but at least he’s honest about what he wants.”
  • “It’s Friday, I knew you’d be home so I thought I’d call.”

Thanks…because I had no idea how sad and lonely my life was until you just told me. But I guess that’s probably because I’m a helpless woman who needs a man to take care of me?

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I Probably Shouldn’t Quit My Job Today Because:

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  • Landlord likes getting paid…
  • So do I
  • I still don’t have a Suga-Daddy yet

On second thought, none of these reasons seem good enough. Now where’d I put that resignation letter?

I Should Quit My Job Today Because:

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  • Some adults act like children, and if I wanted to play referee with children I’d be a daycare teacher
  • Returning calls isn’t one of my strengths
  • Writing in purple ink is apparently frowned upon in corporate America…
  • As is sitting spinning in my swirly chair with my legs folded up underneath me
  • I always feel like I’m broke anyway
  • Hula hooping in the grass sounds like more fun than sitting in a fluorescently lit cube
  • Craving freedom and practicing conformity don’t mix – kinda like a big ol’ glass of milk followed by a big ol’ glass of vinegar, yum!
  •  Working an 8 hour day for the man really limits my abilities to daydream and plan my dream life

What I Want to be When I Grow UP:

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  • Professional list-maker (almost there!)
  • Independently wealthy
  • Travel Blogger
  • Gypsy (prerequisite to travel blogging)
  • Book/movie/anything entertainment critic
  • Ellen’s personal Facebooker/Twitterer
  • British
  • Professional donut taster – yum!
  • International spy…Agent Steele at your service

Reasons to choose a child-free lifestyle:

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  • Pain – I don’t know if they told you, but growing and then giving birth to a person hurts. A lot.
  • Fear of needles, especially those going anywhere near your spinal cord
  • Love of sleep – cause if you have a baby don’t plan on getting any for the next 10 years at least
  • You already feel claustrophobic and find yourself daydreaming of freedoms, flexibility, and adventuring
  • You can’t even keep a plant alive
  • Kids cost mad money – and you’re already eating ramen
  • You’ve waited until the morning after you notice your pet’s food bowl was empty to go to the store for more
  • Because if you don’t become a parent, you can’t turn into your parents

Sometimes I accidentally feel like a real adult because:

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  • they let me buy booze
  • I vote for presidents (nevermind that I pay no attention to politics until the morning the polls open)
  • people send AND expect me to pay bills
  • once a year I show the IRS and state of Pennsylvania how responsible I can be by filing my taxes. On time even! (11:59pm April 14th)
  • I hold at least 1 full time job and 1 part time job at all times (who’s idea was this?!?)
  • My to-do lists include things like “make doctor appointment” and “get oil changed”
  • I cook real food…sometimes…
  • I’ve been engaged and had to plan a wedding
  • I’ve cancelled said wedding, gotten un-engaged, and found ex a new place to live all without breaking a sweat
  • researched and bought a car that isn’t being held together by duct tape – finally!
  • my friends are having babies? :/

I know I’ll never be a REAL adult because:

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  • I still want my mommy and daddy when I feel sick
  • When it comes to humor involving bodily functions, I’ve been known, on occasion, to laugh until I cry
  • I still wear hand-me-downs
  • Boys scare me…and smell… and sometimes smell scary…
  • If forced to choose between CNN and the Disney channel, I’m gonna go for Disney. Every.Freakin.Time.
  • It’s a physical impossibility for me to do more than 5 responsible things per day – and if you try to make me, I’ll likely wind up having a tantrum
  • I keep coloring books and crayons in the house just in case I get bored (sometimes I can even stay inside the lines) 😀
  • I love a good ghost story…
  • And am sometimes afraid of the dark
  • Fruit loops are now and will always be one of my favorite foods
  • I see no good reason for not owning a pony