August 21, 2012
crazy, disorders, Ebay, friends, lists, pirates, tattoo, unicorns
- Acrophobia (heights)
- Trypanophobia (needles – naturally, I’m planning my first tattoo)
- Social anxiety – I have friends. This is a miracle. For several reasons.
- Hormotional Disorder – Many women are afflicted by it when they are seized by both hormones AND emotions.
Oh, and I search Ebay for unicorns dressed in authentic pirate garb…I don’t think that one has a name yet, but I’m told it’s definitely not normal.
July 27, 2012
bachelor, chores, humor, lists, men, romance, sarcasm, toes
- My good friend points out the very real fact that I’d rather not experience 98% of all emotions. “Happy” and “angry” are good enough for me!
- I see hair growing on my big toes…so gross, so manly, and so gross.
- A friend tries his hand at romancing me only to be met with dry wit and sarcasm (if you’re going to try flirting with me, come prepared with your own set of witty comebacks, boys, you’ll need them. And I’ll respect you for them.)
- Dad (who is on his 3rd wife) comes to visit and upon seeing my sink overflowing with dirty dishes says, “You really are a bachelor…”
- A guy starts telling me how he’s looking for “the one” and I immediately start looking for “the exit”
- I find myself smelling the shirt I picked up from the floor to try to figure out if it’s clean or dirty (when in doubt, wash it out)
July 20, 2012
babies, fashion, fun, humor, immature, never, sharks, Twizzlers
- Punch a baby – Sure, they’re selfish jerks, but it’s still child-abuse and even though everyone wants to do it at some point or another (remember that baby screaming in your ear throughout the entire flight from NYC to LA?) they’ll still judge you for ACTUALLY doing it.
- Buy and/or Eat Twizzlers – this candy is probably the biggest waste of sugary goodness in the history of the world and I refuse to have any parts of it. It tastes like, looks like, and smells like rubber. There are better uses for sugar. And money. Like making money out of sugar – that’d be better than Twizzlers.
- Get rid of my pink heels. They are the best purchase I’ve EVER made. They’re from Payless. They were on clearance. I think I paid $7 for them. I’ve worn the heels completely off and had them fixed for $11.15. I WILL be buried in them. Except, I’m going to be cremated…so…they will be my urn and sit lovingly on the mantle of some unsuspecting loved-one. FOREVER!
- Start a booger collection – that’s just gross, who does that? No, don’t admit to doing it! Gosh, you’re weird…
- Balance a live shark on my head. Because first of all, I’m terrified of sharks. Fascinated by them, but terrified all the same, and I wouldn’t want one that close to my head. Second of all, hello? Balance a LIVE shark on your head?? How are you even supposed to do that? The logistics just don’t work…
- Amputate my own arm. Even if I were stuck and was going to starve to death or be savagely eaten by a pack of wild shark/lion hybrids. Let’s be honest, I’d probably pass out from the thought long before I even began attempting the task.
July 18, 2012
corporate, employment, freedom, humor, jobs, landlords, lists, to-do
Landlord likes getting paid Moving into a friend’s spare room eliminates this
I like getting paid I’m more than willing to do some serious down-sizing
Still don’t have a sugardaddy Please see above
- If I quit today I’ll have to pay them for the PTO I used prior to earning it…yep, this is the only reason I’m still here…
May 1, 2012
corporate, employment, fun, humor, immature, jobs, lists, resume building, sarcasm, skills
- Creating awkward situations
- The Art of Procrastination
- Impulsively making life-altering decisions
- Proper use of sarcasm and snarky quips
- Acting tougher than I am
- Assembling massively unfinishable to-do lists. Daily.
- Out of the box thinking. See example: Problem? White gum on ass of black pants. Solution? Pantsless Tuesdays!
- Dancing like Tina Fey…only BETTER
- Giving people nicknames so incredibly unoriginal that they are in fact original
- Adding “bitches” or some variation to the ends of sentences…biotch
April 27, 2012
friends, fun, good intentions, growing up, humor, immature, lists, lisztomania, sarcasm, singles
- “There’s someone out there for everyone. Even you.”
- “You didn’t do anything for your birthday? That’s so sad.”
- “Oh you’ll change your mind about wanting kids when you meet Mr. Right.”
- “If she can meet someone then there’s hope for you too.”
- “I have this friend – he’s unemployed and lives with his parents – but he’s really nice.”
- “You just need someone to take care of you.”
- “Sometimes I wish I could just sit alone on my sofa watching Seinfeld reruns in my sweats – you know, like you do.”
- “You need to get laid.”
- “He may be a douche, but at least he’s honest about what he wants.”
- “It’s Friday, I knew you’d be home so I thought I’d call.”
Thanks…because I had no idea how sad and lonely my life was until you just told me. But I guess that’s probably because I’m a helpless woman who needs a man to take care of me?
April 23, 2012
fun, growing up, humor, immature, jobs, landlords, lists, lisztomania, reasons, suga-daddy
- Landlord likes getting paid…
- So do I
- I still don’t have a Suga-Daddy yet
On second thought, none of these reasons seem good enough. Now where’d I put that resignation letter?